Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
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Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
those birds must be on payroll
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.