I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
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My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?