Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
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Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations