@Alex_N_Chains

Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.

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@roadkill3x

I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.

@TheCiscoKidder

My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.

@BangMyBongo

Good cop: Just relax

Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail

@teeaayyyy

To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches

@famouscrab

yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird

@dubstep4dads

i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton

@bopinklady

Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows