Stop.
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Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business