Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
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friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.