Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
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I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.