Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
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I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.