Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
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[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it鈥檚 ok, i鈥檒l still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
I鈥檓 laughing way harder than I should for this image.
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 馃槀
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i鈥檓 doing my best
i am:
鈿笍 a man
鈿笍 a woman
馃敇 living in the year 2021looking for:
鈿笍 men
鈿笍 women
馃敇 a way out
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
if i ask for your hoodie it鈥檚 not because i like you, it鈥檚 for witchcraft.