Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
You Might Also Like
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
every. time.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
#oldknees
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
Stop.
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”