Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
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It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
We decided to have money instead of children.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”