@ramblinma

*stops abruptly at red light*

*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*

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@geekmaude

I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.

@shutupmikeginn

My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.

@Brianhopecomedy

I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.

@comer310

Kid: Are you the babysitter?

Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!

Kid: *horrified*

@UncleDuke1969

Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.

@007Pepe_Rex

Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound

*runs away*

@UncleDuke1969

“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”

@murrman5

wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix

@champagngetaway

Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.

@squirrel74wkgn

If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.