*stops abruptly at red light*

*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*

You Might Also Like


I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.


My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.


I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.


Kid: Are you the babysitter?

Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!

Kid: *horrified*


Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.


Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound

*runs away*


“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”


wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix


Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.


If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.