*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
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When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
Hard not to take this personally
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier