*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
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The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married