Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow

Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait

I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.

The “police officer” has been a failed experiment, we must return to “lawman” and it’s a guy who’s also the town dentist and saloon proprietor

[office]

JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha

{later}

HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie

JERRY: Bessie?

HR: In accounting

JERRY: Uh…

HR: The dairy cow

JERRY: Oh right, Bessie

HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-

JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going

the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”

“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!

~Vodka

*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU

Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.

I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.

In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.

opening a flower shop called women in stem

Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”

My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock

Christmas Warning:

Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.

The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.

Matt Goss

therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?

me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter

I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.

Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.

Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.

Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.

People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am

My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.

If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.

Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?

Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.

music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’

Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.

Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-

My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON

Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.