Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This will teach them to underestimate me

Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂

Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant

If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.

My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.

Her: What’s with the bunny?

Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”

Her: Why?

Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.

Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man

Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*

ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out

DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips

ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T

[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.

The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.

Dear God, woman. Not the cake!

Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.

I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!

Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes

A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing

*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*

OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.

[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad

The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.

I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.

Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.

awkward

In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.

*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues*

*I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*

Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…

Witch: …but?

REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around

W: I’ll take it

If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name

[First day as a Waiter]

Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.

Me: Probably what killed it.

i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value

Not everyone was Kung foo fighting

I was just trying to get out of my sports bra

I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere

I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song