*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
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[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
Digital security in Ancient Troy
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
happy friday
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.