@JesusMcangry

*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*

BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough

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@Clanopath

The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..

@Sanbel11

My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”

@fro_vo

“i’ll be back”

–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume

@ehdannyboy

“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Banned from driving.

@KalvinMacleod

[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone

@Donna_McCoy

*gains winter weight for “insulation”

*is now fat and cold

@AnkCoupleTO

[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all

@DurtMcHurtt

People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.

@freypalm

Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.

Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.