The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
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My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Banned from driving.
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.