*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*

BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough

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The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..


My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”


“i’ll be back”

–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume


“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Banned from driving.


[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone


*gains winter weight for “insulation”

*is now fat and cold


[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all


People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.


Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.

Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.