Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
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Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
[adds another nod to the conversation]
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits