*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
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I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.