*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
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I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.