store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
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guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
Peace was never an option
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor