Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
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I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
Not all heroes wear capes…
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.