[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
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Vodka burrito was a success
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd