@ADHDeanASL

Storm Tropical Storm

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@bazecraze

If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.

@mraggab_

What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.

@abbygov

when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality

@_The_Leftovers_

To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.

@navanax

I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.

@SamGirlSunday

Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”

@ieatanddrink

New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th

@SamGrittner

I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”