Storm Tropical Storm
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Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*
“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.