Storm Tropical Storm
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guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
Everytime I spend $20 I think this is fine because I won’t do it again. And then would u believe
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?