Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
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So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
#Caturday
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries