*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
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I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
decorating my apartment
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick