Straight, gay, bi. Doesn’t bother me. But you foot people have some splainin’ to do.
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Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
if you’re in a movie theater fiddling/crinkling with a noisy snack…………………… you need to give up that struggle after 5 min. let it go. put the community before the snack
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
Me: I once ate undercooked chicken at a restaurant for months because I didn’t want to upset the server.
Them: Why…why didn’t you just stop ordering the chicken?
Me: Hindsight is 20/20, David.
If you are talking on the phone at the grocery store and it is interesting, then I get to follow you and we will shop together.
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
