straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
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me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
when you order from DoorDastardly
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.