Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
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english majors be like furthermore
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
My patience has stretch marks.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.