straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
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“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar