Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
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Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.