straighten your back and drink some water you dehydrated banana
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Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
I’m far enough into my kids’ summer camp that my clothes dryer is now just a sandbox
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
But is it really??
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*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.