[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
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Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.