[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
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Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.