*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
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Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
Them: You should try keto
Me:
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin