[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
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Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
the last thing a carrot sees
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.