Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
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Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.