@HomeProbably
@mommy_cusses Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
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@mommy_cusses 
@ericsshadow I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
@neiltyson Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
@AudreyPorne My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
@meantomyself 9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
@Inferno_V Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
@TheBigBatman During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
@pixelatedboat Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
@dave_cactus ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
@AbbyHasIssues Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.