Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
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After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
fired
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this