Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Diabetes was the God of sugar.

If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.

Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”

I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.

If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you

This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.

if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base

Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.

A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop

Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.

FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea

In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties

[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?

If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar

Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.

Him: have you had dinner yet?

Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.

Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly

Me:

*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in

*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*

How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent

The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.

Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.

Look at phone to see what the time is.

Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check Twitter

Still no clue what the time is.

Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer

Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?

Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!

Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.

I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.

“And I want video games and new shoes and….”

Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!

The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem

Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.

My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.