Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
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my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
Fights fire with marshmallows
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
jesus christ confetti not now
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”