STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
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A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
Ummm
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
Sometimes? I’m slipping
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve