Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
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I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]