Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
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I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks