Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
You Might Also Like
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
Something Saturday.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice