stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
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Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”