Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
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Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.