@donni

Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong

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@bingowings14

See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.

@Desert_Musings

I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.

@JJSummertime

Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?

@longwall26

Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence

@FunnyIsFamily

My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.

@DominicCaruso1

Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs

@Book_Krazy

I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”

@Jake_Vig

Bodyguard Idea:

Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.

@fillthevacuum

We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.