Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
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I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure