Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong

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See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.


I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.


Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?


Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence


My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.


Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs


I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”


Bodyguard Idea:

Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.


We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.