streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
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Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
fr
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
me when i see my girls butt