@urmumsausername Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
@mattZillaaaa [street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
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@urmumsausername 
@Tbone7219 A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
@savcisneros “you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
@LoveNLunchmeat Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
@MelvinofYork I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
@EricaWhoToYou [Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
@lazerdoov Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
@TheHyyyype My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
@zachary_lampley Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
@Triballistix Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.