Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
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Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
his wife is probably gonna see that
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
HERE’S MARKY
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old