Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
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Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?