*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
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You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
Two types of dogs.
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
🙋♀️
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?