Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
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take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
I just ran a .003048K
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
his wife is probably gonna see that
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.