Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
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Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
I’m crying im so happy for them
Spotted in New Orleans.
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.